How to become a Shadowboxer.

Matt and I just completed a 14-day detox cleanse where we had to drink a special protein shake and also eliminated certain dietary meanies like dairy, caffeine, and alcohol, and gluten goblins like bread, pasta and cereal. I didn’t want to do the thing. I fought him on it. Until I didn’t. And it turned out to be an amazing thing that I am still doing.

As outwardly adventurous as I may appear, I have an internal tendency to first resist before I accept. If I can’t see the whole thing or understand an outcome, my first instinct is to put up my dukes and be ready to fight. Last week, my therapist helped me understand that this can fall into the category of “fight or flight” mode. It is a position my brain takes when it is deciding if it wants to do something. It is my mechanism to keep myself safe. It is how I handle fear, even when I don’t realize I am afraid.

Recently, my mind was blown when I read a message in writer/filmmaker Felicia Pride’s “Create Daily” newsletter. She said,

“Fear presents itself in so many ways. It can look like procrastination or perfectionism… Like being intimidated by a blank page instead of excited.”

– Felicia Pride

Woaah, right?!!

This resonated with me in all the ways. I have troubles writing blog posts sometimes because I’m just not sure what I want to say. Uncertainty makes me nervous. In fact, I’m learning I am afraid of it. What do you do when you’re afraid of something? You stay and fight or you run for the hills.

For me, there’s another layer. I don’t address the fear itself; I don’t always do something that makes the thing causing the fear to go away. (Kinda like the other night. It was 4:00 am. We were at a motel in Palm Springs and I heard a sound. My mind thought it was a mouse. I was terrified; frozen under the covers for what felt like forever. But I knew I had to do something. With shaking hands, I finally turned on the bed lamp and discovered it was a moth fluttering on the floor. Whew! I then captured it, let it go free outside and went back to sleep.)

I’m not always this successful! Often times, I put up the dukes — and the right duke is procrastination and the left is perfectionism. Rather than do the damn thing, I start swingin’. And like the singer, Fiona Apple, I become a Shadowboxer…

You made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
And I’ve been swinging ’round me
‘Cause I don’t know when you’re gonna make your move

So, what helps cut through all this? Perseverance.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, I am able to keep at something. Out of fear, I may flail about, fall down, and take years to complete something, but I don’t give up. This desire/skill/energy to persevere saves me time and time again. Why? ‘Cause I’m a fighter. I guess I am a shadowboxer.

My dad, Roscoe, has been instrumental in me becoming this way. As kids, we really weren’t allowed to give up on anything. If we started something, we had to finish. And we had to do so with style and grace. I interviewed my dad on writing — which really became a conversation about life, and the topic of perseverance came up. Take a listen. I hope it helps you through whatever you might be fighting or running from.