How to reclaim your power.

I bought a pair of shoes on September 5th. Here’s what happened next:

Actually, let me start with how I bought the shoes in the first place.

September 5th was a Tuesday; this shoe-buying event occurred around 2p that afternoon. From what I can remember, my day started late. I may have gotten distracted by something or was weirded out about something to the point where I couldn’t concentrate on getting any work done. So, I chose to leave my home office and find an external place to work. For me, when I’m weirded out about something (i.e. in a manic banan-ic post-traumatic stress state), I can’t make decisions. I go into an insane loop of indecision that launches me into outer space and out of my body. So, naturally, I got in the car — without a destination. That was a set up for imminent disaster which ended up with me holding some shoes.

I’ll jump ahead: I finally chose a destination; a new co-working space in downtown Chandler. I arrive in the area, but instead of going straight to the space, I think, “I should take care of myself and get a sandwich to take to the desk.” That flipped the ‘GO!’ switch on another loop – which sandwich place? what do you want to eat? should you really be spending money on a sandwich when you could/should have eaten at home? what’s wrong with you? you’re a poor planner and now look at the time you’ve already wasted; you really aren’t serious about being a writer or a freelancer and that’s why you’re not getting anywhere with your projects or in life.

Sooo, all of that is going on and while my feet are on the ground walking, I am out of my body. My therapist has taught me some techniques to help me get reattached, one is to recognize that I am in “Fight or Flight” mode but I’m too far gone at this point. I don’t know what I’m doing, and all of this is happening as I walk past a shoe store that is next to the sandwich shop.

Here’s what I remember:

I see a poster for Oktoberfest in their window. Ah! Fun for me, Matt and my brother and sister-in-law. I walk past the poster thinking I’ll remember to tell them. A voice tells me I won’t so I turn around and take a picture of the poster to text them. I take the picture, and continue to the sandwich place. But. I see the shoes in the window. Shoes I’ve always liked. So now, I’m staring at the shoes. Like, zombie fixated. I feel another layer of manic banan-ic surging. Ignition ready? GOOO!: So cute, go buy them. I turn toward the door (again, now) to go in and buy shoes. No! You are supposed to be working. I turn away from the door. I walk past the shoes again. So cute. I want them. And now I’m aware whomever is inside has watched me walk back and forth. I’m embarrassed and have to prove I’m not insane. I go in.

Inside the shop:

Intimate. Two shop girls (white) are there and I turn into bubbly (black) Peppur, laughing and trying to be pretty when I know I look and feel like shit. I announce to them brightly, “I must have looked crazy out there, right? Ha-haaa! Ooh, everything is so cute in here. I’ll browse.” Nothing from them, really, except what felt like stares before they return to talking to each other.

I browse. Everything is cute, but way more expensive than I expected. Oy. (Some of you know what happens next.) I’m trapped in there. I’m the only customer. There is no way to get out without feeling embarrassed. (Even though the door is literally right there.)

Fast forward: I buy some sandals that have a high arch that will help my feet to stop hurting (they’ve been hurting badly). $150.98. The girls were very nice after all and I left quietly. A bit happy and a bit not. I spent $150 I do not have. I don’t like buying stuff like this when I don’t have actual cash for it. I did it anyway and that opened the door to guilt which came oozing out and slimed all over me as I walked past the window once more on my way to the sandwich shop. Head held high, smiling with ooze sliding down my back.

Fast forward: Today is September 18th. I haven’t worn the shoes. I feel too guilty to do it. And Manic Loop #1001 has begun about what the f*ck I’m going to do about the g-d shoes!!

Take them back.

I’ll be embarrassed if I do. // Ok. I can do it. But I should look good when I go in there. Oh man, I look like crap. << Do something about that. Ok, I will. Where was that piece of paper I got a year ago from my hairdresser that said I should use a certain shampoo? I need to finally buy that so my hair can look better. Oh, I also need a new attachment to my blow dryer so I can blow out my hair. …Maaaybe I can take them back and ask for a donation in the same amount to meet my requirements for my board fundraiser coming next month; the shop is privately owned, maybe this will be good look for them? <<Definitely ask. Maybe just donate the shoes for the fundraiser? NO! They’re mine. <<So wear them. ….Noooo. ….Man, my feet hurt. <<Wear the shoes! …Noooo. Ah-ha, I could go in and exchange the shoes for some running shoes with high arches. I’ve been meaning to replace my runners for over a year and probably the exact reason why my feet hurt so badly. <<Ummmm, good idea. But don’t you have a subscription to Road Runner Sports? Go there and get shoes and use your discount. Hmmmm. Yeah. Maaaybe. <<Return the shoes and use the money to go buy new running shoes. Ugh. I don’t know what to get and how much will that be?? <<Keep the fucking shoes!! [Crying alone in the closet now while staring down at the boxed shoes]: What will Matt think? I’m not pulling my weight. I can’t let him down. << He already told you he doesn’t care and that you hardly buy anything new for yourself and you should keep them, no big deal. Get over this and back to work. Hmmm. I don’t know. [Sniffle sniffle from under the bed covers now, clinging to little dog Vivian]: It just doesn’t feel right. I can’t manage my life very well.

This has literally been going on for thirteen days. And it is not the only loop I have going on. There are multiple others from how to get new clients, to planning a launch party for my book that came out in March, to purging my closet of shoes and clothes that are 20 years old, to deciding what to eat for dinner. These loops are like the rings of Saturn and exhaust me emotionally and physically and hinder progress with getting even simple tasks done! And the loops often are not about what’s in front of me, i.e. shoes. It’s about something …bigger? Not sure ‘bigger’ is the right word. Let’s just say something different.

I STILL don’t know what is the right thing to do. BUT! On a #winning note, I got the shampoo and the attachment and did my hair. One Step Closer!!!

Why am I sharing all of this with you? Because I know I’m not alone and because I hoped that if I wrote it down, I would stop this loop. That I would find clarity. Also, I’m open to your votes on what I should do. May as well make some fun of this madness!

I do know that if you’re feeling like this or experiencing stuff like this, talking to someone helps. Some of this stuff can be related to a trauma (the trauma doesn’t have to be with a capital T, but we know of course, sometimes it is.) Trauma gets trapped in the body and when you get ‘triggered’ (not the best word for this), your mind is trying to keep you safe and puts you on an auto-pilot mode of P A N I C (or depression, or intense brain fog … and the list goes on). Then you might be reliving how you kept yourself safe during the trauma (staying quiet, not making a decision, jumping out of your body, you know — anything!). I’m really skimming the surface of all this work. It is vast. But helpful. To learn more, you can look it up or talk with your therapist or take some steps to finding one!

I wish you well. xoxox

Clarity received:

I think my ‘trigger’ here is shame. Shame makes me feel powerless. Or when I feel powerless and small, I feel shame. So maybe understanding how much power I do have even when I look and feel powerless. Reclaiming my power. Add’l: Shame + my relationship to money. Shame + its association with taking care of myself (food, shelter, clothing, money, joy?).